11 Telltale Signs That Someone Is A Narcissist

The term "narcissist" is thrown around a lot nowadays, being used to describe anyone that is overconfident or selfish, and often used as an insult. The word comes from the Greek legend of Narcissus, who was so beautiful that he fell in love with his own reflection. However, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is actually a mental health condition that affects about 1% to 2% of individuals, and it's much more complex than simply having an over-inflated ego.

Narcissism can be viewed as a spectrum, with most of us showing narcissistic traits at some point. Just because you feel jealousy towards someone or react badly to criticism does not make you a narcissist — just a human being. For someone to be diagnosed with NPD, they need to exhibit at least five narcissist behaviors on a regular basis. 

Being around someone who displays narcissist traits can be very difficult, but recognizing the condition may help you to deal with their often hurtful behavior, and may encourage them to seek medical help. Let's take a look at 11 of the common traits displayed by individuals with NPD, and what you can do to make their behavior easier to deal with.

We all know someone who loves to be the center of attention — it may be you, or one of your close friends. But at what point does it cross over from being a confident individual who loves the spotlight to being a narcissist? For narcissists, their need for attention and validation goes beyond a love of being with others and being praised for their hard work — it is normal to enjoy hearing that someone is impressed by you. The difference is that a narcissist seems to stimulate their brain by craving attention in virtually everything they do, constantly seeking the praise and approval of those around them. They often try to take credit for things they do not deserve, or detract the attention from others who have contributed more.

The need for this constant attention stems from their own feelings of inadequacy and lack of self-esteem, and the praise from others can temporarily fill that void. This can be draining on loved ones, who are constantly reassuring the individual that they are good enough, and can lead to them feeling neglected and unrecognized for their own achievements.

If you find yourself dealing with an attention-seeking narcissist, it is crucial to keep your own needs in mind and value them. If you feel the individual is looking for unnecessary attention, steer the conversation back to impartial ground, and don't feel guilty about changing the subject if you've heard enough about them for one day! 

For a narcissist, the idea of someone else knowing or doing something better than them is just not an option they want to consider. They don't want to be recognized as being good; they only want to be the best. Most narcissists have a superiority complex, and this can manifest in trying to micromanage and control others' behavior. If you have a narcissistic boss, the chances are you would love to be left to get on with your job that you are more than capable of doing without them standing over you, pointing out that their way would have been better.

If they do get into a situation where they feel they don't measure up, a narcissist will likely try to deflect from their own shortcomings and remind everyone of the ways in which they are superior. It can be incredibly tiring if you are dealing with this behavior on a daily basis, and you may feel that your own strengths are unrecognized or that you are simply playing a supporting role in this person's success.

The best approach to this situation is to focus on your own achievements and praise yourself when you know you have done well, rather than waiting for extrinsic motivation that may never come. Trying to develop a growth mindset will help to keep the focus on yourself. If your aim is to improve on your own previous achievements rather than outdoing others, the lack of acknowledgement from a narcissist boss should not have as much of a negative effect on you.

In the mind of a narcissist, there is nothing worse than being criticized by others. Even objective, constructive criticism can be construed as an attack on their abilities, which will bruise their ego in a way it wouldn't with others. This can cause a defensive reaction, meaning the narcissist turns the tables and criticizes others in order to shift the attention away from themselves.

Criticism from a narcissist is another way to control the events and people around them. They believe that by criticizing an individual, they will remain in control of the situation, therefore protecting their own — often fragile — self-esteem. This hypocrisy from a narcissist is difficult to live or work with, as those around them may feel they have to be overly sensitive to prevent triggering narcissistic rage. 

If you are dealing with a critical narcissist who can't handle hearing negative comments, it is important that you speak up in a calm, objective way without making it personal. Be as pragmatic as possible, making it clear that the individual is not being targeted unfairly, and stick to facts rather than emotions. If you are the recipient of constant criticism from a narcissist, bear in mind that it is overblown in an attempt to deflect from their own insecurities. Having confidence in your own abilities can prevent you from getting drawn into their cycle of blame.

If you are in a close environment with a narcissist regularly, the chances are you know a lot about them. They spend the majority of the time focusing on themselves, regaling stories of their achievements, and complaining about how events have affected them, and only them. Self-absorption is another telltale trait of someone with NPD, and this has a negative effect on those around them.

Narcissists will often start a conversation focusing on the other person, but at every opportunity bring the subject back around to themselves. Though they may feign interest to begin with, before long you will be hearing about how a much worse thing happened to them, or how they would have handled your tricky situation much better. It is yet another opportunity for them to boost their own ego while belittling you.

The long-term effect of this behavior is that you, and most other people around you, will want to avoid having a conversation with them at all. If you have no option, keep your conversations with them casual — pouring out your heart is not going to get you the emotional response you need. If they monopolize the conversation, make a polite excuse and cut it short — to preserve your mental and emotional energy.

One of the key traits of a narcissist is the inability — or potential unwillingness — to show empathy. Being able to understand the feelings that other people are experiencing is a crucial part of forging human relationships, and is something that those with NPD seem to have trouble doing. It was previously assumed that narcissists were completely incapable of demonstrating empathy, but more recent theories suggest that this can be situation dependent. An individual may show empathy for one situation or person and not another, leading to confusion and frustration amongst those around them. For example, a father who shows lots of empathy to his children — but not his wife — has proven to be capable of understanding and accommodating the feelings of others, but chooses not to in certain circumstances.

As with so many narcissistic traits, choosing to withhold empathy is a self-preservation mechanism. With empathy comes susceptibility, something a narcissistic individual is not comfortable with. By withholding empathy, they feel more in control of the situation, and less likely to get emotionally hurt themselves. This, of course, can have devastating consequences on loved ones and lead to a lack of trust.

If you find yourself needing emotional support, the narcissist in your life is unlikely to be able to provide it. While you can try, prepare yourself in advance for an indifferent reaction and some potentially hurtful remarks. Turn instead to your empathic friends and family to get you through your struggle, and protect your emotional wellbeing in the process.

You may have heard the term perfectionist and thought that it would be nice to be around someone like that, who is very organized and likes everything neat and tidy. However, in real terms, perfectionism is closely linked to anxiety, and it can be detrimental to an individual's mental health, with that stress affecting their brain in the long term. Narcissists often exhibit perfectionism as a way to keep control of certain aspects of their lives, which leads to expectations of others that are impractical and unrealistic.

While we all would like to keep things in order, perfectionists can obsess over the tiniest detail that would seem insignificant to most other people. If your boss is a narcissist perfectionist, this means that you could find yourself being constantly criticized for work that anyone else would have been happy to accept. This also ties in with the trait of believing that their way is best: If everyone does things the same way they would, they are more likely to accept it.

The sad irony is that a narcissist perfectionist is less likely to appreciate the quality and beauty of things than the rest of us. When faced with a situation that most people would consider perfect, they will over-analyze and find every flaw. If you work for — or live with — a perfectionist, it can be incredibly taxing, as you never know what area of your life will suddenly be under scrutiny. The best option is to set your own standards, and make it clear that you will be working to your idea of perfection, rather than theirs.

In the mind of a narcissist, not only do they believe that they are the most important person in the room, but they also feel that they should be treated as such. In order to boost their ego and preserve their self-esteem, a narcissist needs constant reassurance and admiration. This means they expect the people around them to make sacrifices and bend rules in order to accommodate them — a need that could stem from the way nature and nurture played into their upbringing.

It can be especially difficult to deal with narcissistic entitlement if the individual is in a position of authority, as it may be tricky to distinguish which demands are reasonable. Narcissists will often expect people to put in extra work to help them out, even if it is unpaid, and they may not even show their gratitude afterward. In this position, it is important to learn how to say no, and to stick to your boundaries once you have set them. Make it clear that although you are willing to help out in whatever way is reasonable to you, you refuse to be strong-armed into compromising your principles.

Considering how much time narcissists spend trying to control what others do and how they do it, they are strangely reluctant to take any responsibility when things go wrong. Since a narcissist is never wrong — in their head at least — it is only logical for them to assume that they cannot be blamed for any failings either. This means if you find yourself on a team with an individual with NPD, you should be prepared to have the finger pointed at you more often than is justified.

Going out of their way to avoid blame allows the narcissist to soothe their own ego, convincing themselves that the people around them are not up to their high — let's be honest, impossible — standards. Behaving this way pushes loved ones and colleagues away, as it is extremely difficult to trust someone who could betray you at any moment to cover their own mistakes.

If you find yourself being held accountable for the actions of a narcissist, stand your ground. Make sure that everyone involved understands what really happened, and don't fall into the trap of convincing yourself that you might be to blame. Only by forcing a narcissist to recognize their own failings can you hope for them to stop playing the blame game at every opportunity.

One of the most frustrating aspects of having a narcissist in your life is their inability to respect your boundaries. They may not recognize when they are making someone uncomfortable, or may not even care, if they can gain from it in some way. Whether they are showing up to your house without proper notice, or invading your physical space in work, their presence can begin to feel like a burden if it happens regularly.

If you are exhausted by the constant infringement on your time or space, it is time to be firm with your boundaries and say no. While it may feel awkward the first time you ask them to leave — and it may not change their habits — it's still a way to prioritize your safety. Consistently sticking to your boundaries with everyone in your life will ensure your time and emotional wellbeing are protected, and it can prevent others, including narcissists, from taking advantage of your good nature.

Gaslighting is a term that has become more common in recent years, and it refers to a type of psychological manipulation that narcissists (and those possessing the telltale signs of a Machiavellian personality, more generally speaking) often use. It involves blatantly lying to someone, suggesting that they did (or didn't do) something when they know otherwise. This technique is designed to confuse and undermine the individual in order to maintain control over their actions. The term comes from the British play "Gas Light," in which a man causes his wife to question her own sanity by reducing the brightness of the gas lamps in their home and convincing her that she is imagining it. 

Gaslighting is a particularly devious form of manipulation if used regularly, as it undermines the confidence of those around the narcissist, giving them the control that they crave. The victim of gaslighting may eventually stop questioning the narcissist and start to believe that they are to blame for things that they are not, and doubting their own perception of reality.

Suspecting you are being gaslighted is the first step in preventing it. If you feel you are questioning your own actions one too many times, trust your instincts and watch out for individuals that are accusing you of things you know not to be true. 

Narcissists can often be jealous of those around them, especially if they have something that the narcissist wants or is working toward. Similarly, they often assume that others are jealous of what they have. While we all have moments where we wish we had something when we see someone else with it, narcissistic jealousy goes beyond simple envy. Since a narcissist has built themselves up to appear the best and most important, seeing another person who appears to have success that they don't can be devastating to their fragile ego.

Conversely, narcissists often believe that others are jealous of them, and by doing so, they can fill their own narcissistic supply, rebuilding the idea of entitlement and superiority in their own head.

If you are in a close relationship with a narcissist, you may have to deal with different forms of envy. Whether they become jealous of something you have, constantly put down and ignore what others have done, or are continually pointing out how people want to be more like them, it can be difficult to listen to their delusions. Though narcissists may appear confident to others, inside they are often tormented by thought of what they haven't achieved, that others have.